Published: April 23, 2009 11:27 pm      

Shouldn’t American English be universal?

WAURIKA — Last March, members of the Jefferson County Board of Commissioners voted unanimously to support a campaign to make English the official language of This Great Nation.

A group called Immigration Reform Oklahoma Now had composed a letter asking the commissioners to join other Oklahomans in demanding a Constitutional amendment that recognizes English as the legal language in the USofA. The three commissioners at that time (two have since left the board) felt it was a worthy cause and approved a resolution endorsing Immigration Reform Oklahoma Now’s effort.

During its current session, the Oklahoma House of Representatives is considering legislation to make English the official language of our state. The conservative-leaning House will probably pass that measure, and it’s likely Oklahoma will become another state that’s sanctified our native tongue.

Although, if you want to get technical, English is a language we borrowed from the British. And if you want to get super-technical, the “native tongue” of this entire continent is about 2,000 different Indian dialects.

But why quibble?

When a hallowed institution like our language is assaulted daily by immigrants, who come to this country with the audacity to be unable to converse fluently in American English, every true American should rise up in umbrage.

All right-thinking Americans should support turning away French immigrants who come off the boat and ask, “Parlez-vous francais?” Or German immigrants who land on our shores and want to know if you “Sprechen de deutsch?” Or Hispanic immigrants (legal and illegal), who reply “No hablo ingles” to the simple red-blooded American greeting, “Wazzup?”

And why draw the line at making American English the official language of this country? Why don’t we see the bigger picture and pass legislation to make English the “Official Language of the Universe?”

Let’s be visionaries and anticipate the day — and it could be sooner than later — a spaceship lands and our planet is visited by real aliens speaking a mutant alien tongue.

An alien is an alien, right? It shouldn’t matter if they’re from Uruguay or Uranus, if they’re coming to Earth to live and they land on American soil, they’d better speak American English — or let ’em find another country, like Sweden, Botswana or Utah.

Still, these alien aliens might make some positive contribution to our society. So, maybe we need a provision in the “Official Language of the Universe Law” that gives extraterrestrials an opportunity to learn and perfect our sublime tongue.

We could give them a little time to study up, and then the alien aliens would have an opportunity to stay here if they can pass a test on American English phrases. Like some of these I’ve heard or read:

• A 20ish girl on a cell phone telling someone: “So, like, he was like, ‘Like no, girl, I ain’t going to yo party!’ So I was like, ‘Like, you are so, like, whatever.’”

• A guy in the grocery line who told his buddy, “I stumped my toe bad this mornin’.”

• A Secretary of Heath, Education and Welfare, who described a $61.7 million cut in services as an “advance downward adjustment.”

• A politically-correct grief counselor, who referred to a dying man as “entering terminal living.”

• A classic Sam Goldwynism: “I never liked him, and probably always will.”

• An NFL running back, who said he couldn’t “allude that linebacker.”

• A minister, who described the dearly departed as having “an impactful life.”

• A 30something NBA player telling an interviewer, “Man, this T-shirt smells smelly.”

• A fellow in Colorado being interviewed during last week’s snow storm: “We were up to our kneeballs in snow.”

• A recently retired president who announced, “The illiteracy level of our children are appalling.”

These are just some of the phrases the alien aliens will have to learn to be deemed American English fluent. And they’d better learn ’em good or we’ll send ’em back to where they come from.